In the heights of privilege, I was disgusted
But I was grateful, that you were disgusted with me
And I thought communal struggle
Could be romantic
And I guess it was in a way
It felt good to be human again
For a while

But I can't love you how you want to be loved
No I can't love you how you want to be loved
[oh no!]

Letting the days go by, because I am too sad to get up
This is not my beautiful house, this is my mum's one-bed flat
And I know the water holds you down
But baby I could have been, your beautiful wife

And "I'm alive but a different kind of alive to the way I used to be" and I guess like Will Sheff said "if you don't love me [then] I'm sorry"* but uhh excuse me what the fuck are we supposed to do when no part of either of us ever fucking works and I don't want to be the kind of people who have to spend the rest of their lives on pills that make the boys see things and the girls' hair fall out not that it makes a difference to me not that I'm either of those things not boy or girl I hate my body I hate my body I hate my body I have no desire to be a man and I found God in a mug of instant noodles behind a bar full of 1am bastards a warmth a healing ritual a way to make it through the shift and I could've loved you and I love my friends and one day I will love myself and I could've loved you and I love my friends and one day I will love myself but not yet

And so with grim and tedious inevitability
I made the kind of mistakes you can't come back from
And I know self pity
Never solves anything
But it just feels good
Just let me wallow
For a while

Sad and sick being screamed at by men in the street
But I guess we'll always be paying for the privilege
Your dog's got my name, fuck I wish I was him
But I've been on a vision quest, and I've got some things to show you baby

1 2 3 4

[So when you see me next bring two razors]
[And we'll put them both to our unkempt temples]
[Those hidden altars to lost youth and old gods' visitations]
[We'll walk out that creaking door marked for death]
[Overcaffeinated and underappreciated]
[This halcyon era offers us no redemption]
[The sun is always yelling its petty epithets]
[But I see something else through the smoke and the flames]
[And whatever happens the world keeps turning]
[That insensitive jerk has it no sense of occasion?]
[And I am consistently disappointed when I wake up and I realise]
[That all of this is real and by extension so am I]
But it's not enough to just hate this world anymore
I know we can find a way to learn to accept ourselves
You said you just wanted me to feel safe around other people
I laughed with a mouth full of Pepsi Max™
And threw up on myself

oh

Sad and sick, a tedious neurodiverse dick
But I guess we'll always, always be paying
For the privilege

Sometimes I feel all alone in the world
Totally convinced that no one can love me
As the person, as the thing, that I have become
A pelican, a lighthouse
A changeling, a fool
But in a room like this, with people like you
With total commitment and total honesty
Comes maybe acceptance, and maybe understanding
And maybe that's enough
And so if all things collapsed
And this moment became the only moment
All it would be is endless fucking bliss
Looped and spiralling into the infinite
Actually, that's probably a bit much
But this has been really nice, and I hope we can do it again
Merry Christmas everyone, I love you, thank you lol

*Taken from Okkervil River's 'Starry Stairs', from the album 'The Stand Ins', which is better than 'The Stage Names' actually don't @ me